Racist Things For Children

Frito Boy
Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to “Racist Things For Children”, the feature that ventures into the nation’s pop culture past to find things that were made by people who didn’t know any better for people who still don’t know any better.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, kids, but minorities haven’t had it so easy in the pop culture pantheon. Some of our most beloved characters, like Speedy Gonzalez, for instance, are fairly offensive stereotypes of some of our most beloved minorities, like Hispanics. While minorities have been complaining about this the whole time, it wasn’t until relatively recently that people started being more politically correct about that kind of thing.

I’m here to show you what it was/can be like out there. Afterwards, you can pop in your “Crash” DVD and call all your minority friends and tell them how much you liked it to make yourself feel better.

But for now, allow me to introduce you to mi close, personal amigo,

“The Frito Bandito”:

Wanted Frito Bandito

He’s wanted because he’s a bad person. Ok, really look at that. Soak it up in all it’s glory.

Stop. Think for a moment. Where are your fritos? Where are your “cronchy” fritos? Are they in a safe place? Even if they are, there is a Hispanic in a silly hat that is known to be very clever and sneaky to get around whatever hair brained security device you have installed. He is so clever and sneaky, that he manages to leap small country borders in a single bound.


Oh, but don’t take it from me. Let’s let this man get a fair trial, shall we?

Dios mio. I was wrong before. He has TWO GUNS AND HE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR YOUR FRITOS.!

What is the Frito Bureau of Investigations doing with all of our tax dollars? I mean, I assume they only have this one criminal to catch, and they can’t still get their act together?!

In reality, this caballero kept up these shenanigans from 1967 to 1971, 4 years from fiesta to siesta. But oh, man, what a ride!

Created by the Foote, Cone and Belding Agency (which currently produces the “Oreo Double Stuff” commercials with the Mannings, Donald Trump, and Darrel Hammond, so the ads they make now are slightly less offensive than ones past), the Bandito commercials were animated by cartoon legend Tex Avery. But since he had to produce it in Mexico, he could not afford a background or color (first part real, second part joke).

If you think he sounds a lot like Speedy Gonzalez, that’s because he does. He was voiced by other animation legend Mel Blanc, the one responsible for voicing Speedy and others like Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Barney Rubble and JUST GO LOOK AT HIS WIKIPEDIA PAGE ALREADY!

Have you ever wondered what the man of a thousand voices looks like?

Mel Blanc Tombstone

Great, cuz now you do, so go tell all your friends.

So the commercials kept going and, naturally, the Hispanics did not care for them. He was eventually toned down by elminating his gold tooth and combing his hair to appease protesters. To make sure children still trusted him, he tried giving them free shit, presumably before murdering them for their corn cheeps:

Honestly, who wouldn’t feel better after accidentally eating a Chris Farley-shaped piece of rubber while trying to enjoy a salty snack:

Frito Bandito eraser

Thank god someone took a picture of that.

So eventually the Frito Bandito (who was a mascot for Fritos, by the way, in case you’re totally lost or something) was retired in 1971. Luckily, he made one giant leap for all minority-kind before his Dia De Los Muertos.

So, to recap, The Frito Bandito:

  • Likes Fritos and will trick/murder you to get to them
  • Can breathe in outer space
  • Has a donkey who can breathe in outer space
  • Has a donkey
  • Can possess your child’s soul

Ok, bye.  In case you’re wondering, btw, I’m pretty sure I’m AGAINST this kind of thing.