I was feeling nostalgic today, waxing philosophical about days gone by.
You see, I was lucky to grow up during that wonderful, magical era that existed once upon a time just after Mary Poppins and just before the plague of political correctness infected our minds and effectively castrated our culture:
It was a great time. The Frito Bandito was still on TV, we could make fun of other races openly, and women knew they still weren’t as good as men.
During those carefree days, one of my all time favorite games was CLUE!
Do you remember this guy, the VICTIM? Mr. Boddy?
It was a frigging awesome game, though. How I enjoyed sitting around the table in my PJ’s, hanging out with the family, killing time playing CLUE. We solved an untold number of incredibly violent crimes that were perpetrated by rich eccentrics, gold-digging sluts or overweight elderly matrons….remember these guys?
Oh, and how I loved and admired the way they bypassed the classier and mostly bloodless methods of murder! No cyanide poison in the grape juice, no strangling with a pair of silk pantyhose, no drownings in the claw-foot bathtub. Oh no, no, noooo….these homicidal maniac childhood heroes of mine knew how to do it right!! They always had the coolest weapons:
Yes, it was the good old days, for sure….Mr. Green in the Library with the lead pipe. Mrs. White in the kitchen with the candlestick. Colonel Mustard in the Ballroom with the revolver. Oh, the unending combinations of senseless mayhem!!
Blood and death every way, in every room and everyone was suspect. Damn, I miss it!
Well…I would except for the fact that my oldest brother was the type who always took games way too seriously and, of course, he usually won. (You probably had one of these in your family, too. I think we all did. Weren’t they just so frigging annoying??!)
It got to the point with my brother where no one would play Monopoly, Battleship or even checkers with him because not only did he usually win, but he was in-your-face-I-am-the-man for hours, and sometimes days, after a victory.
Fuck!!! I hated that.
So… we usually avoided playing most games with him, but he didn’t care as long as we still played CLUE. He REALLY loved CLUE…he’d play 12 or 15 times a day if he could bribe us into playing with him. I made a small fortune off of him from that time period.
It actually funded my fat retirement account!
Yet now that I look back…. I think maybe it was a mistake on my part that I indulged him so often, and maybe he was possibly just a little too much into CLUE. I realized it was a possibility today as I was looking through an old photo album and found this picture of him fingerpainting:
Yep, that’s him.
Scary, huh? I mean, the red flags were all there, but what the hell did we know back then??
My parents thought it was kinda cute when he finger painted that ^^ REDRUM/MURDER saying all over his wall…. with the cat’s blood. They simply patted him on the head, buried the cat and drove him down to the animal shelter to replace it. They were good parents, really, for that era.
Yes, I admit, they were a bit naive but come on, it’s not like we had Oprah or Dr. Phil back then….nor did we know about Jeffrey Dahmer and the whole “if they kill pets at age 8…” thing…
…but hey, despite a rough start…he eventually gave up CLUE and he grew up just fine! (Can’t really say the same for the 97 cats we went through, though.)
Anyhoo..I am proud to say that ever since my father’s unusual disappearance in 1975, he’s never been caught cooking OR selling meth out of my Mom’s basement in all this time! He never even blew up the house and let me tell ya, he had several close calls, but he’s pretty smart and all-in-all I’d say he grew up to be quite a success, really.
He’s even held several low-paying jobs off and on over the last 30+ years, like this one:
Yep, he rocks. A great role model for all of us.
Weeelllll, that is until recently….it’s quite sad actually, none of us could have predicted how far and how fast he would have fallen. I blame myself, really.
Things kinda took a bad turn for him after I sent him this CLUE CD-Rom game for Christmas last year:
I mean, how was I to know that it may have triggered something deep within his troubled psyche??
Who could have guessed that my mild-mannered, rarely seen in the daylight, meth-head brother would emerge through the door of my Mom’s musty basement as this raving lunatic???
OK, just between you and me, even if I did know, I can’t be held responsible for the murderous rampage that he went on following his 3 week CLUE/meth/case of Rockstar binge…..can I?!
I mean, somehow we had to get him out of that basement so we could bring in the exterminators and a cleaning crew….it was a fire hazard and I thought it was the only way.
Just in case, I think I’ll take an early retirement and head to Aruba. I’ll definitely be safe there if they ever want to try to make me an accessory or something…
I’ll keep the same e-mail, so hey, let’s keep in touch, k??